When you do the kind of ‘work‘ that I do, you become a bit of a nightmarish bitchchild to buy presents for. The usual fail safe go to options of nail varnish sets and Topshop vouchers aren’t always a wise investment for people working in fash-un/beauty….mainly because they have crates of nail varnishes they’re yet to review/ALL THE CLOTHES IN THE WORLD/have written about ‘that dress’ for so many publications that they’d rather learn all remaining stock was mysteriously destroyed in a warehouse fire than actually own it themselves.
Yep, it’s a proper “my diamond shoes are too tight” situation where you end up sounding like an ungrateful devil face…but everyone’s broke these days and you don’t want people wasting money on you. ‘Experience gifts’ are often good to opt for, I had THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER at Birdworld in Surrey this year. I was a keeper for a day and I played with penguins and fed toucans and had a fist fight with a kookaburra (they are scary mofos) and generally had the all time best day of my life.
So as I don’t want nail varnish for Christmas…what DO I want?
(I’m assuming the people who are buying me presents are millionnaires and/or genies)
Vintage Snoopy books by Coronet
We don’t have many ‘precious things’ in our family, but my Snoopy books from the 60s/70s (from my papa) are my very favourite things. I have read them hundreds of times and still find them laugh out loud funny. I hope to collect them all eventually and there are loads on eBay.
I have a bad dust allergy *princess face* and I live on a cocktail of anti-histamines, asthma meds and steroid sprays all year round. I want to see a specialist, a really bloody good one, to see if my allergies could be better managed. Getting allergy help on the NHS is kinda depressing….GIVE ME HARLEY STREET.
I would like to have health insurance. It would make me feel like a successful American.
A full health MOT
There’s a bit of a theme here, isn’t there? I AM MIDDLE CLASS IT IS MY RIGHT TO BE WORRIED ABOUT NOTHING. I would like one of those fancy health checks though, just to confirm that I definitely don’t have testicular cancer or a siamese twin growing in my eye.
I have only just discovered Shellac but it’s clearly going to be an expensive habit. Wahanda vouchers that I can exchange for Shellac manis are probs the best bet.
Just kidding, I love my nose. (I’m not kidding).
I am very blessed. My better half works a zillion times harder than I do (approx) and, accordingly, we live in a pretty special flat. I couldn’t love our home more…unless it was a house. I WANT A HOUSE. Mainly because then I could own more clothes. Yes. And the idea of having an upstairs is, like, next level glam.
Apparently I can’t have the dog until we have a house (Hitler) but if there was a golden retriever puppy under my Christmas tree then I would basically die of happiness.
G.Nev to come round ours for a chippy tea and football commentary
This is my dream present. I want this one SO MUCH. Basically, Gary comes round to ours, sits on our sofa, eats fish and chips and watches a United game. And he really enjoys it and we all have a massive laugh. I don’t think this one can be bought at Selfridges, annoyingly. I am holding out for this sort of ‘experience’ appearing at a charity auction before G.Nev blocks me on Twitter/gets frightened.
I want every Issa dress ever. Size 10/12. Knock yourself out.
A suitcase that doesn’t tip over
My stupid budget airline baggage allowance conforming suitcase always tips over. I can never leave it upright without it crashing to the floor seconds later. It drives me round the effing bend. I would like a nice suitcase that doesn’t dick me about.
A gown/kimono (or five) from Agent Provocateur
I don’t own anything by AP, which in many ways makes me feel like I’m not a woman yet. I want all of these.
A sat nav
I would like a sat nav that doesn’t annoy me. One that is clear and not too complicated (like those phones with big buttons for old people). Ideally with maps for Spain/France. Def with speed camera alerts. Not one that falls off the windscreen and gets stuck in the footwell under the pedals when doing 90 on the motorway. (Which, errr, I wouldn’t be doing because of the speed camera alerts).
Stuffed birds (ahem)
I have become slightly obsessed with taxidermied birds. Little birds. Buy me some.
A replacement charger for my laptop
This is only £20 so I really should just buy this myself. But I resent buying a new charger. It’s one of those ARGGGGGGGH purchases. This is the one I need (HINT HINT).
ALL THE FIGUIER THINGS BY DIPTYQUE
No, really. You can never have enough. Please?
If the rest of the things I’ve asked for are out of stock, obvs.
Thanks in advance, Santa!!!! xxx