On Saturday night I joined my sister-in-law and mother-in-law to see Amaluna at the Royal Albert Hall. I’d never been to a Cirque du Soleil show before but, as a seasoned veteran, my S-I-L had insisted we buy tickets as soon as they became available last summer. “YOU WILL LOVE IT”, she promised me.
I didn’t really know what to expect though. Weird costumes were a given, but would it just be like a really long audition for Britain’s Got Talent? Some fancy forward rolls and a dazzling light show? A bunch of screaming die-hard fans in Cirque t-shirts who spend the interval debating the merits of an aerial act they saw in Vegas in 2002?
I knew I wanted to go though. It was going to be a fun night out and I would no longer be seemingly the only person in the world who hadn’t actually been to a Cirque du Soleil ‘spectacular’.
So here’s what went through my mind as the entertainment unfolded. Sure, I was watching Amaluna, but from chatting to others I get the impression that this train of thought could probably apply to most Cirque shows….
- Isn’t the Royal Albert Hall amazing? I would pay good money just to be in this building.
- Wait, I have paid good money to be in this building. A lot of money. Don’t be so easily pleased, Poppy. Reign it in.
- You can buy Cirque du Soleil umbrellas in the gift shop. Why would someone want a Cirque du Soleil umbrella?
- People are buying Cirque du Soleil umbrellas. People really like Cirque du Soleil.
- There’s a woman with face paint in the bar. She’s shouting. Is she a fan? Is she ill?
- The shouting lady is speaking in an incomprehensible language. Apparently this is a “Cirque thing”. I want to finish my gin but the clown is scaring me. We better sit down.
- THESE SEATS ARE AMAZING. The Royal Albert Hall is amazing. I should enquire if you can hold parties in here.
- The show is starting. A scarf is floating.
- CAN ANYBODY ELSE SEE THAT THE SCARF IS LEVITATING?
- Okay there are people with hoops. They’re quite good at throwing and catching. I’m quite good at throwing at catching. Maybe I should audition to be in this.
- Oh ok it’s a lot more than throwing and catching.
- He’s not going to jump through there it’s too small and too high.
- HE JUMPED IN THERE.
- That lizard man looks better in tights than I have ever looked in anything in my entire life.
- Women are appearing in the sky. They’re floating. THEY’RE SPINNING. The magical fairy spinner toys of the 90s are coming to life in front of my eyes but with REAL HUMAN WOMEN.
- Nobody seems to have a harness. Is the Health & Safety Executive aware that nobody has a harness?
- Wait, what? That ball is floating. There are no wires. I am right at the front. THERE ARE NO WIRES.
- I’m not crying at an aerial hoop act. There’s just something in my eye.
- Ooooh shipwrecked half naked sailors.
- I am having a FANTASTIC time.
- It’s raining stars. Oh god I might be crying again.
- Will water be involved? I think there’s going to be water.
- SHE WENT IN THE WATER.
- I wonder what the insurance premium is for this production.
- My arms get tired when I blow dry my hair and she’s been supporting her entire body weight through one arm for ten minutes.
- Don’t dive in there Miranda it’s not deep enough!
- I want to be Miranda.
- YES! The uneven bars have come out.
- This is like being at the Olympics without having to use that annoying ticket website or go to Stratford.
- When will the sailors be back? I miss them.
- Oooh interval. I hope they have ice cream.
- What is this magical bouncy see-saw madness? How can humans jump this high?
- Maybe they’re aliens.
- They must be aliens.
- Acrobats keep appearing from the floor. Is this real? How much were we drinking earlier?
- This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen humans do and I’ve watched a rocket launch.
- I’ve eaten far too much ice cream.
- Female rock bands are the greatest. Remind me to look into drumming lessons when I get home.
- Has anyone confirmed if this balancing lady is actually a witch because this is not a normal thing to be able to do.
- There are 5000 people in here and you could hear a pin drop.
- Maybe this is why Cirque du Soleil has been going for thirty years.
- Remind me not to play Jenga against this miracle woman.
- Is trapeze an Olympic sport? It should be an Olympic sport.
- Maybe they wear special glue shoes.
- I think it’s magnets.
- It must be magnets.
- Oooooh a bondage maypole.
- I think we can confirm that there should be more male pole dancers.
- Maybe I should buy a Cirque umbrella on the way out.
- Guys! GUYS! That man is going to drown if you don’t get him out of there!
- You can never trust a lizard.
- FIRE JUGGLING!
- Maybe if I’d tried harder at Tumble Tots I could be an acrobat now.
- Actually my hip is still hurting from when I cycled for 30 minutes on Wednesday.
- I wonder what these miracle people do in their spare time. It seems sad to imagine them walking anywhere when they could be somersaulting.
- Are gymnast parties a thing and how can I get an invite?
- Oh I think it’s ending.
- I DON’T WANT IT TO EVER END.
- Humans are amazing.
Picture source: Cirque du Soleil
Amaluna is on at the Royal Albert Hall until the 6th of March. It was worth every penny.
You can buy tickets here.